


Letters

by Lucifers_Left_Lung



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 12:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14449083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucifers_Left_Lung/pseuds/Lucifers_Left_Lung
Summary: In which JB burns the letters he never sent, and reads you the one that means the most.{ also posted on tumblr ; heartagrams.tumblr.com }





	Letters

The familiar scent of burning paper filled the air of the small room. Over the past couple of weeks, Jaebum had become accustomed to that scent. With each letter he burned, he felt his heart heal a little more. Not to say it wasn't still painful as hell to burn all the words he had never had the courage to say to you. But perhaps this was the only closure he could get. Maybe it was the only closure he deserved.

He had taken to burning the unsent letters slowly, a few here and there, whenever he could bring himself to continue. Sometimes, days would pass between each letter, sometimes it would be weeks. Either way, the ritual was always the same.

It started with your song. Jaebum would close his bedroom door, locking it after him. He would turn the volume up as loud as he dared, until he was sure he could hear your voice singing along again. After a deep breath and a few moments lost in the memory of you, Jaebum would finally open his closet and take down the shoe box of letters. Each time, it got a little more empty, as he slowly burned away the memories of things left unsaid.

Now, there was only one left. Jaebum had intentionally saved this one for last. It was the longest and most honest he had ever written. But what hurt him the most was the fact that maybe this letter could have saved you, had Jaebum not been too cowardly to send it. Perhaps then his final time seeing you wouldn't have been at your rainy funeral, but instead, you'd be there beside him now. All JB had anymore were "what ifs" and "if onlys".

Clenching his jaw, JB unfolded the letter; the creases were wearing from how often he'd read it. But this time would be the last. Not that it mattered ━ JB had memorized every word. Scanning over his sloppy writing, JB squeezed the paper tightly in his hands. He stood and turned your song off, grabbed his jacket, and left the dorm.

The sky outside was dark as a heavy cover of clouds blocked the sun. JB felt the first drop of rain halfway to the cemetery where you were resting. The leather jacket had no hood, so JB was soaked to the bone by the time he reached you. He didn't care, though. All of the things in his final letter were things he should have said to you while you were alive. The least he could do now was say all of this to you, whether or not you could hear him.

Your headstone was new, shining even. The flowers that your parents had left for you were already wilted, being weighed down by the onslaught of rain. The ground was muddy where Jaebum stood; the grass hadn't had time to grow back yet. JB held the paper still gripped tightly in his fist inside the pocket of his jacket. His eyes were focused intensely on your gravestone, rain drenching him head to toe, drops dripping from his hair and his eyelashes. He was sort of grateful for it, if he were to be totally honest. At least then you wouldn't be able to see him cry.

But the storm didn't last too long. Or maybe JB just stood there, staring at you, longer than he even realized. The clouds slowly dispersed, making way once again for the sun. Birds came out from their hiding places, chirping their Spring music. The raindrops continued to drip from JB's hair, making odd trails down his cheeks. He took a deep breath and finally looked away, his gaze landing on his feet as he searched for the courage to do what he'd come there to do.

A slight chuckle left him as he returned his gaze to you. "I'm a coward, (Y/N)," he said. "You knew that, though, huh?" JB pulled out the letter. "I'm always late for the important things."

JB could hear you in his mind, "You're always late for everything," you'd say. And then you'd laugh your laugh, a sound that JB never got tired of hearing.

"You're right," JB said. "I am late for everything. I'm sorry, (Y/N). There are so many things I wanted to tell you when you were..." He stopped and cleared his throat. "Maybe if I had, you'd still be here."

Jaebum closed his eyes and took a deep breath, straightening out the letter. He could already feel the tears forming, but he held them back, clearing his throat once again as he focused his attention on the words he'd written just a couple months ago, just before you'd left him.

"(Y/N)," he started, "it's 1:31am. You're not here..."

_(Y/N), it's 1:31am. You're not here. I wish you were. I wish I had the courage to tell you that I need you, that I can't live without you. But you know me better than anyone and you know I'm too much of a coward to ever tell you the truth. Maybe I just don't think I deserve you or maybe I hate myself and don't think I deserve to be happy. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I love you, and_ you _deserve for me to be able to tell you the truth._

_But I can't even do that. Hence, this damn letter that I'm probably never going to send you. I've written enough to know. (Y/N), I've heard that you're spiraling. Your parents called to ask me what happened between us. How could I tell them that I broke your heart? How could I tell them that I'm the reason you're losing control? I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I lied to them, made up some lame excuse. I can't even remember it now. I think they know, though._

_I've gotten your texts. I'm sorry, (Y/N). I just don't know how to respond. I know what I_ want _to say, and I know what_ you _want me to say. But I can't do either. I don't want to hurt you, I hate the idea of you being in pain, but you'll be okay. You'll make it through, I know you will. You're strong, resilient. It's one of the things I always loved about you. I could see how being my girl was effecting you, how being the constant spotlight was wearing on you. I couldn't stand to see you falling apart, so I had to let you go. The only problem is that you're still falling apart, and I can't even bring myself to come see you._

JB stopped reading the letter. He'd long since let his tears spill over, with no rain to hid them from you now. Choking on a sob, Jaebum sank to his knees, not caring that the ground was still wet, not caring that you were probably somewhere watching him. He wanted you to see this, to see that he was genuine in everything he was telling you. Maybe you'd forgive him, maybe you wouldn't. But at least you would _know_.

The letter lay on the ground in front of JB; he dug his fingers into the wet ground as he cried. He knew then that he wasn't going to be able to finish reading you this letter and he hoped that you would be able to forgive him. Not just for failing to tell you how he felt, but for all of it. Bringing you into his life, and then leaving you alone until the end. 

"I'm so sorry, (Y/N)," he said, his hand now resting on the headstone, his fingers running over the indentions of your name.

JB stopped suddenly, hearing a familiar song ─ _your_ song. He wasn't sure where it was coming from, but when he looked down, the once-dead flowers had bloomed in brilliant shades of yellow and pink. JB swallowed and looked around for where the song was coming from, but he couldn't spot anyone around him. A soft breeze blew through the cemetery then, ruffling Jaebum's wet hair and sending the letter floating away from him. He reached for it, but it was gone before he could move, drifting through the air in the direction of the ocean. JB watched it in awe and felt in his heart that it was you. He felt a weight lift off him and took a deep breath, a short laugh escaping him. He rested his head against your gravestone.

"Thank you," he whispered. "I owe you so much that I'll never be able to give you in this life, but I'll find you in the next one. And I won't let you go."

 


End file.
